Soy escritora. Soy buena persona. Amo la vida, los animales, las plantas y el mar. Amo a mi hijo. Fui víctima de violencia doméstica por 16 años.
Gender violence (this is called in Argentina) is, for me, domestic, since there are battered men, also children and grandparents.
My mother said: "As is your courtship, this will be your marriage" and it was not wrong.I put myself at the age of 33, with my now ex -husband;My relationship was a constant feeling until that hole was filled with violence.
I got married after 5 years - we had a son - and remembered my mother's words.I said I was never going to marry;To the point that my friends nicknamed "Carrie", as the protagonist of ‘Sex and The City’, starring Sarah Jessica Parker.
Violence does not begin with a blow but with heartbreak.Erich Fromm says in his numerous writings that it is almost impossible to define love, but he does appoint two essential characteristics: will and freedom.
I was a girlfriend for a long time, maybe so little that I didn't even realimpossible to retain.
Erich Fromm
Did he do it?Yes.I thought I was able to identify these types of men, who had read about other women;daughter of a mother who also suffered violence -part of my father and my brother-.I, the one I loved so much and shut up when receiving.I went around the world to open heart, in living flesh, to help who needed it.I, Maria, like so many other women, fell into the web of petty love, I descended to the deepest darkness, I let myself be covered with mud to asphyxiation, I bleed in every attempt to help my victimizer to improve.
What happened?
The victimizer, manipulator or as the specialists in mental health, psychopaths are called, do not cure.
What is domestic violence?
It is an abuse.Is to exercise power over another person.There are four types: physical, emotional, financial and sexual.I suffered the emotional (psychological) and sexual.The emotional thing happened to tell me: fat, whale, you disgust me, your pregnant belly impresses me, get out of here that I am watching a football match, wear larger bigger underwear.It gives me nausea to see how the baby moves, go to sleep to another room.
I turned away from my friends, my work, from my self.Without kisses or hugs, without sharing a table for something more than to eat ... I accepted all that aggression on droppers, as normal.
Regarding sex, my ex -husband had no sexual relations with me and that is a way to have power and devalue you as a woman.That was stressed, blocked, tired.He slept, first in our bed, then direct on the sofa in the room.We were friends under the same roof, but friends who did not get along and, one, abused.
I separated.At 8 months I returned.Actually, I asked him to come back.Do you think I'm weak?Nope;She was in an insane relationship.I was still immersed in my world, I dedicated myself to my son and to work.Then I stopped working because my ex -husband wanted her to be a mother.And I accepted.Moreover, with a lot of self -test I confess that I said: "What a good guy, he does not want me to work to stay with our son".
Then my friends followed: they left, little by little.They didn't hold it and they told me, but I was clouded by this man.It was a perfect mixture of tiredness and hope that one day, this toad became a prince, it did not happen or will happen.You know why?Because he was never prince.
I got married on September 11 -Día del Maestro.I mention it because I am a teacher and I thought: "What a beautiful day to remember".Now, in the distance, I am convinced that life told me: "The teacher's day, you have something to learn".
I divorced in 2015, after fourteen years.Fights, screams, drunkenness, late arrivals.He complained with other women in front of me.I was still a furniture, tasteless, colorless, invisible.
One afternoon, drinking coffee with a friend I got drunk with sadness and she told me firmly: "Maria, you have forgotten what it is to be happy". ¡Desperté! Las palabras son poderosas.
My ex was in Mendoza for work and left his laptop at home.In those 13 years he had never opened his computer, nor reviewed his pockets, nor suspect anything.How to distrust him, if poor, had problems intimate, to interact with others, they had thrown him out of three works for violence, he did not like to take pictures and did not take me, not even pregnant;He was shy, to the point of not being able to ask for food to carry.Pena, poor.I did not realize that, surely, it was me who gave sorry for others, and people instead of helping you, are silent.
I opened the laptop, went to his email and there it was.It was Women's Day.He had sent an email that said: "For an intelligent, loving woman ..." and she replied: "You are a love!".At ten minutes my cell phone sounds to tell me "Happy Women's Day".I called a friend who is a lawyer, and took her things to the street.My therapist told me: "Quiet, if it's outside it will be easier".He went two months: that he had where to go, that I was crazy, that what I read was not like that.Outside!For me and for my son.(In general, we lie with that for our children it is best for them to have a family).I think otherwise: a child deserves an example of healthy love, not a sick family or a disguised love.And I was not wrong.Our son began to bloom.What I did not know at that time is that my ex -husband, my son's father, was going to use it as a weapon against me.
One afternoon he went home, a barbecue (I had granted a wide regime not to submit our son to this trajín of comings and goings) and witnessed a situation not suitable for a child under nine years.Our son told me when he returned home.I called his pediatrician, I spoke with the childhood department and they said: "It is a situation of abuse, ask for a restriction order".
I went to the Family Court and exposed what had happened.I estimate that they called my ex because the auxiliary lawyer told me: "Did you send your child only at 9 years in Remis (something like Uber) to her father's house?", "Yes," I replied.Faced with this answer, they submitted me to an interview with a psychologist (then it was learned that it was not).My whole family, whom I didn't see for a while for a matter of distance, was there (my ex -husband had been bombarding them with lies for months - I didn't know.Nor did I ever imagine that I was going to influence my family but he did, and I'm not the only case.(My parents died and my three brothers are denounced for false testimony).
Former Judge Velázquez ordered that they make me a psychological exam for having sent a minor in Remis five blocks from where he lived.(Children travel by plane -Distanances of 15.000 km- at an early age accompanied by a person from the airline), so I agreed;I thought it was part of the legal procedure.
I arrived at a sanatorium accompanied by a policewoman.That already seemed strange.I entered, a doctor came, made me do some pirouettes to see if I was alcoholized (I did not drink) and I asked him to be brief since I should go find my son at school.At the hour and a half of being there, in a literally monitored room, they tell me: “Do not be doctors to evaluate it, it will have to stay until tomorrow.Do you have a cell phone? ”No, an angel replied for me.In secret, I called a neighboring lawyer.I heard the following: “Maria, get out of there!Your ex must have fixed with the judge and everything is armed to be injected with a drug and take away your child's guardianship.I have seen it several times already;Not firm anything ".
Paralyzed, automaton, I called the nurse with the button.He came with a paper -which I still have.He said: I know that any type of drug is supplied to me."Leave;I am a free citizen and I retire under my exclusive responsibility.I don't have to stay.Tomorrow I come and accompanied, ”I signed at the foot -without leaving place to add anything;I read what they had done to me (brought blood and balance tests) and I left.A nurse asked me in a sob: "What are you doing here? Go!".It was 11: 00p.m.;She had been illegally retained 10 hours.I went to a cafeteria in front.I called my son and the line was dead.I talked to the one who attended the place who horrified helped me to get a remis back home.
Llego a casa, mi hijo no estaba; no lo volví a ver hasta después de TRES meses.My ex -husband had force it with a false order granted by a judge who was subsequently dismissed.I prepared for war;This time was my son the damaged.I contacted specialists of all kinds, with people who had gone through the same thing, I wrote to all the rights of children, human rights, rights for women ... I even wrote to international organizations.Police did what they could.They wanted to force my ex the house of my ex and I told them no.
I waited, I was already used to enduring the worst.And I wanted my son without any more trauma.A call was enough to save me: the school where my son was going.Its director called me and told me that the father boasted showing that he had the guardianship.Before his tremendous exhibition and the sadness of my son, the school began to investigate.The lawyer of my son's school was sincere: "The orders are illegal".I run, with the force that only a mother can do it, against wind and tide, against a hurricane if necessary.I go to school and talk to the director and school advisor.The latter tells me: "Your son is very sad, he says that his father told him that you were crazy and interned".
Each month, my former renewed this illegal order, signed by the exjuez or one of the secretaries of agreements.I didn't satisfy that, I sent me an email to tell me: "You can suffer a little more".
I slept with my son's shirt, each and every night.As nothing happened to me, I ate cereal and took milk.I was determined to die standing.I went to school to see my son after.We are in the garden, near the stream.I sat next to him in a bank and we talked.So we were for a week;I endured to be in live flesh to go little by little, and not take it like a puppet.Children are not backpacks that one stuffs with things and sends from one place to another.
A day I had an excursion I went to look for it.With the consent of the major law, which is the divine law, the law of goodness and love, I went to look for my son.He got out of the school bus, I approached and said: "I want to go home".I hugged him.He was confused, but I knew everything was going well.I told my ex.After 7 criminal complaints, they eliminated the first and only restriction order, that increased their hatred towards me and, now, towards our son.Gave it up.He sent a message to his cell phone: "I don't want to be your father".My son was playing football and had a panic attack.
At the same time and with a letter signed by 400 women, the now former judge was unanimously dismissed by the San Isidro Bar Association.It was said that he sold babies, who mistreated his own employees.It was not said that you also took your child if you asked for a restriction.It was denounced, not only by women like me, but by their own employees.
This happens in Argentina.It happened to me and maybe it's happening to you too.
To do?
There is always talk of what violence is, the victim is almost never told what to do and, above all, what works.
Go to a prosecution or a woman's police station.Today they work.911 still does not have legal or precautionary interference, that is, they will communicate your rights and they will tell you that you go to formalize the complaint.In other countries, 911, separates the parties involved in a fact of violence (yes or yes) and, the next day they are presented at the Police Station or the Police constitutes the home and from there a statement is taken and instructs whatdo.Call a friendly lawyer, faithful, good person.Do not ask for a restriction order, it is of no use.What you get is that the perpetrator does not approach for a month and sometimes not even that.In addition, its resentment increases. Reitero, hablo desde mi experiencia.The law exists, it is the 26.485;It still does not apply properly.
Are we better than in 2015?
Yes, but missing, and a lot.I interviewed one of the authorities of the CNM (National Women's Center).Exposed me the whole project: wonderful.Today, 6 years later, women, children and men have not yet been completed and still died.
Don't governments interested?Is it something world?
I do not know.It's something that I constantly wonder and I can't find the answer.To the other question, yes, domestic violence is a world scourge.Unlike Argentina, in other countries, measures are taken to protect and act at the time.
In Argentina the following still happens: you call 911.They tell you that you must go to the police to file the complaint.Signatures and leave.
With luck, if they do not kill or hurt before reaching the police station, they take the complaint (the police still have no computers, air conditioning or heating).There are very good people in the police force, not all are bad, but the conditions in which they work are miserable.
I continue ... they give you a copy.The original goes to the Prosecutor's Office or the Family Court, as appropriate.With wind in favor, it comes to destination and becomes part of the mountain of files that have accumulated for decades.
Tiredness in between, you go to court with a lawyer (this time they no longer take you surprise) and your file is in review (this approximately 20 times) and the judge cannot receive you, but you can see to seeTo the Secretary of Agreements of the Court that shouts the staff and then looks at you and tells you: "Again here?".And one replies: “A minute...”And he leaves you with the word in the mouth when he went to his office giving a door, the same person who signed the measure together with the judge illegally and arbitrarily.
You go from there crying;This is every time.After finding the not corrupt and ideal lawyer (because many do not know anything), and that he presents your defense - until then you do not allow you to defend yourself because your file was always in review - a better treatment begins and the illegal measures jump.The complaint is also filed against the judge, if applicable.
About that your heart is split, you manage to protect you -in my case it was to recover my son -the judge dictates "family fight" and there is no sanction for anyone.Only indication of family therapy that, of course, the perpetrator does not perform.
Communicate.Far.
How do you follow?
Therapy, for you and your family.It helped me to go to groups of violence and groups of gender violence.You will need a lot of love, dialogue, containment and listening and understanding that this person mistreated you from day one.You start healing when you realize that, although you can't change the past, you can change the way you see it.
Content cries sprout in a disorderly way, palpitations, sweat.It doesn't matter: it's time to heal, the volcano erupts.Try to forgive, don't be a slave from who did this.Sorry.You did not choose this;You did what you could;Maybe you repeated a family pattern. I do not know, pero si sé que te tienes a ti misma.You recovered, you are a decent human being that has not said, this is not.
I resumed yoga, I began to meditate, I painted 25 paintings, I gave brushstrokes of joy.In my work the rebirth is seen.I kept writing -now without hiding -.It surrounds me with good people, healthy.I helped those who were in a situation of violence, from my little place.I stopped being afraid and decided to explore my woman's side, devastated, destroyed.So I came to love me, little by little.From the hand of a photographer I dared to explore.We talked a lot and I went to encounter.I wanted to see me through the lens of another.The photo shoot was moving.I wore dance clothes (I practiced classical girl dance) and a butter colored shawl.Maca, the photographer, put the music.I got carried away ... the world didn't turn around, I danced with him.I played, I moved, I released, I released, I smiled, I imagined, fly, climbed, I went down, enjoyed, dancé, touched, I created, revived, I met again.
Today I continue on the path of self -knowledge.My heart is a little wiser and I let myself be guided by my intuition.I'm learning to take care of myself.
Stay with the good, the rest forget it.I give you my grandmother's words: "Never forget that life is wonderful", and a advocate advice Margarita -Mexican chamana with whom I used to speak -: "Everything good in life, has a song".
I invite you to sing!Reborn and vibrates in tune with your inner peace.You belong to you.
